What Do I Do With All This Mess?

Making sense of difficult times and what they reveal about what you need.

Sometimes, life throws things at you that can make it difficult to recognize the beauty in it.

You can easily become distracted by what is happening and what hurts, that you do not sit still long enough to ask the real question:

What do I do with all this mess?

It can be hard to get there. Honestly, it can be hard to even know how to answer that question. When you are going through difficult times, it can feel easier to stay focused on the difficulty by recalling what happened to you, what should have gone differently, and what you are now expected to figure out.

Combine that with the expectation to still handle your usual responsibilities, show up for others, and participate in a life that has not paused to let you catch your breath!….It can be a lot.

That is worth acknowledging and I want you to know that I see the effort it takes to work through something while you are still having to live through it.

…..but let me say something that you also need to recognize. 

While a difficult season may require you to handle things, make decisions, and try to resolve the issue in front of you, it also requires you to care for yourself. 

You have to be willing to show up for you, too.

💭How are you treating yourself while you work towards a resolution? 

💭How are you treating yourself as you put things back together? 

💭What have you needed but continued to put aside? 

💭What matters to you right now that you may have been ignoring?

It may be a difficult time….but in order to face it well, you must make room for yourself too. 

When life feels overwhelming, give yourself a moment

When something is bothering you, it can follow you into nearly everything you do.

You may be trying to finish a task while replaying a conversation. You may be lying down to rest while thinking about what needs to happen tomorrow. You may even be doing something you usually enjoy and realize that your attention is still somewhere else.

No matter what you do, it can feel like your mind keeps returning to what feels unresolved.

Now, I understand wanting to figure it out. When something is uncomfortable, it makes sense that you would want to move beyond it as quickly as possible. However, you may be asking yourself to find an answer while giving yourself very little room to think.

Sometimes, the first thing you need is a moment to settle.

😮‍💨A moment to breathe comfortably. 

✌️A moment to step away, if you can. 

😌A moment to take a walk, sit somewhere quiet, or speak with someone who helps you feel less alone in what you are carrying.

You do not have to earn that moment by fixing everything first.

Taking care of yourself while something remains unresolved is still a meaningful choice. In fact, it may be the choice that helps you return to the situation with enough patience to hear yourself and enough clarity to consider what actually needs your attention.

If life feels overwhelming and you do not know where to start, start with what would help you feel a little more settled right now.

The answer does not have to be impressive. It needs to be something available to you that offers a little care, without adding any harm to yourself.

What have you needed but continued to put aside?

Sometimes, we know what we need long before we give ourselves permission to acknowledge it.

We know we are tired. We know we could use help. We know there is something we need to say.

Still, we tell ourselves that we will address it later.

😩Later, when things calm down. 

😩Later, when everyone else is okay. 

😩Later, when we have a better explanation for why we need what we need.

Meanwhile, we continue expecting ourselves to show up as though nothing is asking more of us than usual.

🤔Have you been doing that to yourself?

Consider whether part of what feels difficult is having to carry the situation while also dismissing your own needs within it.

Perhaps you need rest, but you keep treating it as an inconvenience. Perhaps you need support, but you have become so accustomed to being dependable that you struggle to let someone be dependable for you. Perhaps you need more information, but you feel pressured to have an answer already.

Those needs…your needs….deserve consideration.

Recognizing them gives you something useful to work with. You may not be able to change every part of the situation today, but you may be able to ask a question, request help, or be honest about what you can reasonably manage, while caring for yourself.

That matters.

Pay attention to what matters to you

There may also be a reason certain parts of an experience stay with you.

Give yourself permission to reflect.

✍🏽What is important to you here? 

✍🏽What were you hoping would be understood, respected, or considered?

Although you may feel unsettled about the difficulty, your feelings can invite you to explore more of what you may truly need. 

Being frustrated does not automatically mean something intended to make you feel that way. It does mean there is something worth understanding before you decide how to respond.

The more clearly you understand what matters to you, the more honestly you can communicate it.

☺️You can begin to say what you need instead of hoping someone will figure it out. 

☺️You can recognize where you need to make a different choice.

This is part of how a difficult experience can help you grow. It can bring something important into focus and give you an opportunity to show up for it.

Do not let the difficulty become how you define yourself

As you consider what the situation may be revealing, pay attention to the way you are speaking to yourself.

Are you allowing yourself to be someone who is working through something difficult or have you begun treating the difficulty as evidence that something is wrong with you?

There is a difference. A huge difference!....and depending on how you are looking at the situation, can really impact how you see yourself. 

It’s okay to make a bad decision. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person. 

It’s okay to notice you are a poor communicator. That doesn’t mean you don’t understand how you feel.

It’s okay to notice that you have developed some unhealthy habits. That doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of change. 

You can be honest about your challenges or shortcomings without using them to tear yourself down.

Growth requires a willingness to see yourself clearly. That includes seeing where you need care, where you need support, and where you may need to take responsibility….or make a different choice.

It also includes recognizing what was never yours to control.

You are not responsible for every outcome. Someone else’s behavior or things that happen outside of your control do not become your fault because you are willing to reflect on your experience.

Be fair to yourself as you learn. Be fair to yourself as you handle what’s in front of you.

🤗Instead of deciding that you should have known, consider what you understand now. 

🤗Instead of expecting yourself to handle every challenge alone, consider who could help you think through it.

You are allowed to need something as you become more capable. You are allowed to be sensitive to what happened and still develop the courage to respond differently.

Neither makes you less worthy of respect, including your own.

There may be something good you are beginning to recognize

By now, you may still be looking at the situation and thinking, I wish I did not have to deal with any of this.

I understand.

Recognizing something valuable does not require you to pretend the experience has been easy.

Still, try considering what you are beginning to notice.

Perhaps you are realizing that your needs cannot always be the first thing you remove when life becomes demanding. Perhaps you are recognizing a value you want your decisions to reflect. Perhaps you are beginning to understand that asking for help is something you want to become more comfortable doing.

Those realizations can become part of how you live. Those realizations can also become the good you allow yourself to see as you give yourself time to feel better about what you are going through.

There is good in that.

There is good in becoming more aware of yourself. There is good in recognizing that the way you have been getting through things may need to change so that it also makes room for you.

If you can understand that possibility but still struggle to see anything beyond the disappointment, there is more to explore. Inside The Gym for the Mind, our members-only article, “How to See the Glass Half Full When You’re Used to Seeing It Half Empty,” continues the conversation for those moments when you want to see things differently, but what happened still holds most of your attention.

Show up for the person working through it

So, what do you do with all this mess?

🤗Give yourself enough room to understand what needs your attention, including what you need from yourself.

• Maybe today that means taking a moment before responding. 

• Maybe it means admitting that you need help. 

• Maybe it means acknowledging something you have continued to dismiss because you thought you should be able to handle it.

Let yourself consider what would be helpful and choose one thing you can reasonably act on.

You do not have to understand the entire season to respond to something it has helped you recognize.

You can begin with the need you can name, the conversation you know matters, the rest you have been putting aside, or the kinder way of speaking to yourself that allows you to learn without feeling defeated by what you discover.

As you do, you may begin to recognize that you are gaining something alongside everything you are working through: a better understanding of yourself and how you want to live….as you deal with life’s difficulties.

Give that your attention, too.

You are still living through this. You are still learning through this.

Make room to care for the person doing both.

---

Hi, I’m Dr. Amirah B. Abdullah,

I write to make room for the thoughts, feelings, and questions we may carry quietly, but still need space to understand. Through faith, honest reflection, and practical insight, my hope is to help you recognize more of who you are, what matters to you, and how you can show up for yourself as you journey through life.

Here, we give ourselves permission to feel while also considering what we can learn, how we can grow, and what we may need to do differently. I want these words to meet you with care and encourage you to participate in your own becoming.

Thank you for spending a little time here with me. May you leave feeling understood, encouraged, and ready to live out what you have learned.