Confidence Is an Inside Job. But What Does That Actually Mean?

We say it all the time.

Confidence is an inside job.

It sounds good. 

It looks good on a quote card. 

And I don’t disagree with it.

….But what does that actually mean?

Because somewhere along the way, I think we’ve gotten really good at looking confident.

We know how confidence is supposed to dress.

• How it’s supposed to walk into a room.

• How it’s supposed to pose for the picture.

• How it’s supposed to speak.

We associate confidence with being put together, accomplished, attractive, outspoken, certain—maybe even a little fearless.

But I’ve lived long enough to know that you can look incredible and still question yourself.

• You can have the degree and still wonder whether you’re capable.

• You can receive the compliment and still not believe it.

• You can accomplish the thing and immediately look for somebody else to confirm that you deserved to.

And on the other hand, you can be wearing some baggy gym shorts, looking like you didn’t have one single plan to impress anybody that day, and still be completely secure in who you are.

Confidence isn’t an aesthetic.

Confidence isn’t something you put on.

Confidence is the relationship you have with yourself underneath everything you put on.

The Outside Isn’t the Problem

Now, before we go any further, I want to make something clear.

I like the outside. 😂

I like feeling beautiful. I like clothes. I like creating spaces that feel good. 

I believe there is something beautiful about presenting yourself in a way that feels like you.

So this isn’t one of those conversations where I’m going to tell you none of that matters because real beauty comes from within.

Please.

✨You can do the inner work and get your hair done.

✨You can love yourself and love the dress.

✨You can become more secure in yourself and decide there are things you want to change.

✨You can learn more. Train more. 

✨Become stronger. Improve your skills.

✨Change your environment. 

✨Upgrade something in your life.

Outer work isn’t automatically shallow.

The question is what you’re asking it to do.

There is a difference between allowing the outside to express what you believe about yourself and asking the outside to create a belief about yourself.

😶A beautiful outfit can express confidence. It cannot permanently supply it.

😶A degree can demonstrate what you’ve accomplished. It cannot make you trust your own intelligence.

😶Someone telling you that you’re beautiful can feel wonderful. It cannot carry the responsibility of making you believe you’re beautiful every morning.

Eventually, you still have to meet yourself.

That’s the inside job.

I Had to Find Myself Underneath Everything I Had Learned

There was a season of my life when I was doing a lot of work on myself.

Learning.

Growing.

Applying.

Applying.

Applying.

And applying some more.

I had learned so much about how to communicate, how to show up, how to navigate people, how to grow, how to improve myself, how to be better.

Those aren’t bad things.

But eventually, I had this realization that was almost like:

Girl…where are you?

I had gotten so good at applying everything I’d learned that I had to make sure I was still somewhere underneath all that application.

That matters to me when we talk about confidence.

Sometimes we approach confidence like another self-improvement project.

✅Add the affirmation.

✅Add the morning routine.

✅Add the book.

✅Add the podcast.

✅Add the outfit.

✅Add the accomplishment.

✅Add the thing that finally makes you feel like enough.

But I don’t know that confidence always comes from adding something.

Sometimes confidence grows when we become quiet enough to recognize what has been interfering with our ability to trust what we already know.

That doesn’t mean there’s nothing left to learn.

There will always be more to learn.

It means growth shouldn’t require you to become a stranger to yourself.

Confidence Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care What Anybody Thinks

This is another place where I think we get confidence wrong.

I don’t believe confidence means walking around saying:

I don’t care what anybody thinks about me.

Because sometimes you should. 😂

Not everybody’s opinion deserves authority in your life but that doesn’t mean nobody’s opinion matters.

We live with people. We love people. We work with people. We enter spaces that existed before we arrived. We have responsibilities.

📌There are moments when wisdom requires us to pay attention to the room.

📌There are moments when someone knows more than we do.

📌There are moments when someone we trust is trying to tell us something we genuinely need to hear.

📌There are moments when we need to apologize.

📌There are moments when we need to sit down.

📌There are moments when our good-feeling, confident selves need to chill.

That’s not insecurity.

That’s discernment.

I can know who I am without believing every moment is about expressing every part of who I am.

I can respect the room without becoming the room.

I can listen without automatically conforming.

I can adjust without diluting myself.

I can be confident enough to speak and confident enough to recognize when I don’t need to.

Maybe that’s one of the differences between confidence and cockiness.

Cockiness can make everything about the self.

Confidence doesn’t need to.

Confidence can be present without needing to be the center of attention.

You Can Know Who You Are and Still Be Having a Hard Time

Confidence doesn’t mean you’re always operating at your highest level.

✅You can be confident and have a bad season.

✅You can be confident and get rejected.

✅You can be confident and make a mistake.

✅You can be confident and not know what you’re doing next.

✅You can be confident and feel nervous.

✅You can be confident and need help.

Because confidence doesn’t require perfection.

For me, one of the clearest signs that my relationship with myself had changed was how I responded when I became aware of a mistake or shortcoming.

There was a time when I could overanalyze myself. 

Criticize myself. 

Turn one mistake into a whole evaluation of who I was.

Now?

I can recognize something I need to work on without making it an indictment of my entire identity.

I can say:

Yeah, I could’ve handled that better.

without turning it into:

Maybe I’m terrible at this.

I can recognize:

I don’t know enough about this yet.

without turning it into:

I’m not capable.

I can acknowledge:

I was wrong.

without turning it into:

I can’t trust myself.

That, to me, is confidence too.

….Maybe especially so.

Sometimes Confidence Looks Like Not Performing

There is something very peaceful about no longer constantly checking yourself against the room.

🤔Did I say that right?

🤔Was I too much?

🤔Do they like me?

🤔Should I tone this down?

🤔Should I say more?

🤔Should I say less?

🤔Do I look confident?

At some point, all that monitoring becomes exhausting.

And I think one of the beautiful things about becoming more secure in yourself is that you become increasingly available to actually live.

👣To have the conversation instead of watching yourself have the conversation.

👣To wear the thing instead of wondering whether everyone approves of the thing.

👣To share the idea instead of spending the entire meeting calculating how the idea made everybody perceive you.

👣To make a decision and allow yourself to learn from what happens next.

👣To be where you are.

Present.

Not performing confidence.

Not checking whether everybody noticed your confidence.

Just…being.

There is a freedom in that.

So What Does “Inside Job” Actually Mean?

I think it means that the outside world cannot be responsible for maintaining your relationship with yourself.

Compliments are beautiful.

Receive them.

Opportunities are beautiful.

Receive those too.

Wear what makes you feel good. Develop your gifts. Build your competencies. Learn. Grow. Take care of your body. Create a home you enjoy. Do the outer work that genuinely supports the life you’re creating.

But don’t hand those things a job they cannot sustainably perform.

They can reflect something.

They can support something.

They can celebrate something.

They cannot do all of the believing for you.

At some point, you have to know what you think about yourself.

You have to know what you believe about your abilities.

You have to know what you value.

You have to know what needs work without deciding that everything about you needs work.

You have to become familiar enough with your own voice that every outside voice doesn’t immediately become louder than yours.

….And you have to develop enough discernment to know when somebody else’s perspective should inform you—

and when it simply doesn’t get a vote.

Maybe that’s what confidence being an inside job really means.

Not that the outside doesn’t matter.

But that the outside doesn’t get to be in charge.

Before You Go, Sit With This

Think about one area of your life where you wish you felt more confident.

Maybe it’s your appearance.

Your work.

Your voice.

Your decisions.

Your creativity.

Your relationships.

Your abilities.

Your future.

Whatever came to mind, ask yourself:

What am I currently waiting for, to happen in my life, before I believe something different about myself?

A compliment?

Someone choosing you?

A promotion?

A number on a scale?

A certain amount of money?

An invitation?

A degree?

Someone’s apology?

Someone finally acknowledging what you bring?

Once you know what that is, ask yourself one more thing:

If that happened tomorrow, what would I finally give myself permission to believe?

Don’t rush to answer.

Sit with it.

Whatever comes up might tell you something about where your confidence has been waiting for permission.

And maybe that is where your inside work begins.

But There May Be Another Question

There is something else I’ve learned about doing this work.

Sometimes you begin looking inward and realize:

Wait.

I don’t even know if this belief about myself started with me.

Maybe something happened.

Maybe someone said something.

Maybe there was a room you desperately wanted to belong in.

Maybe someone’s rejection, preference, criticism, discomfort, or inability to see you clearly started coloring the way you saw you.

And if that’s what you begin uncovering, the question changes.

It is no longer only:

How do I become more confident?

It becomes:

Who taught me to see myself this way?

That’s the deeper conversation we’re having this week inside The Gym for the Mind.

In the members-only article, Who Taught You to See Yourself That Way?, we’re sitting with acceptance, belonging, the beliefs we absorb about ourselves, what it actually costs us when we shrink to remain accepted, and how to begin sorting through what is truly ours—and what we’ve been carrying simply because somebody else handed it to us.

Sometimes becoming more confident isn’t about adding one more thing to yourself.

Sometimes it’s about finally realizing:

This was never mine to carry.

Continue the conversation in The Gym for the Mind →

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Hi, I’m Dr. Amirah B. Abdullah. 

I write about the quiet moments that help us become more of who we were created to be. My hope is that these words help you slow down, reflect, heal, grow, and remember the light you already carry.

I believe some of life’s greatest transformations begin with a single honest thought, a willing heart, and the courage to simply be yourself.

Thank you for spending a little time here with me.